I'd always been rather proud of the fact I could buy whatever clothes I wanted. Other than pregnancy (when I gained a whopping 40lbs) I had it fairly easy maintain my weight. I was a decent height 5'7" (the shortest in my family!) and longer legs- fairly well proportioned thank goodness. I also went through spurts of 'working out' and loved using weights for quick results. I was rather 'buff' in my early 20s! After having my daughter it probably took 14 mos for me to be back down to the 138-142lbs...and again it wasn't hard -just had to regroup and I never doubted I could do it!
Fast forward to my late 30s and early 40's - as a divorced single gal, I was even more aware of needing to maintain my weight if I wanted to find a guy! lol Well heck...I hate to say but it was in my head to stay a decent shape if I wanted to be presentable for some lucky guy! ;o) Sure I needed to tighten and tone up more now...I could still camouflage and still feel good in my clothes. I always remember my sister in law asking me how I keep my stomach so flat...(colon cleansing but that's another subject ha!) I knew doing a few weeks of upper body exercises and my arms could look pretty nice in sleeveless tops. Didn't hurt that I was about 3 blocks from the gym I belonged to then. I did get there about 4 times per week...and it felt good to go, especially when you were really just maintaining.
It really did sneak up on me - the tighter jeans - "Oh it must be the style- these tend to run small" and I'd go up a size. That gave me the tiniest inkling of 'warning'. Still feeling presentable I didn't overly worry about it. After all I'm in my 40s. I started noticing other signs that weight was attaching itself to me. Trouble putting my socks on? Lol are you kidding me? All because my stomach was getting in my way! Then the bra was getting snug! Then certain tops were gaping or pulling - what the heck? I was perfectly happy in the bust department prior, so going up a size was another 'inkling'. Bra shopping is so much fun - NOT! When I took the time to really think about where I was at, I realized that I'd gone from a rather physical job (restaurant manager) to a very sedentary one. I also was on the computer more.. my laptop...(can we blame my larger lap on the laptop??) Also over the years my cooking had taken a turn from 'meal' planning & balanced, to grab and go! My college age daughter was dorming and then graduated - working and with her own apt, left me cooking for 1! The funny thing is that I do like to cook....but my motivation and creativity seemed to have fallen by the wayside. During this period of over 2 yrs my friend Heather had been inundated with emails from me bemoaning all of the above! Thankfully it gave me some relief to know I was not alone. I was however jealous of the fact that she was MUCH more organized than I was - my thinking of late, unfortunately was becoming 'half-assed' - (as my dad would say about anything we did poorly with as little effort as possible!)
I did come to realize it wasn't just the sedentary job or the poor meal planning...but an underlying feeling of discontent and boredom with my day to day existence. Friends falling away, daughter with her own life... my boyfriend, yes, but his work took him out of town 80% of the time. I was not happy or feeling I was living a productive and fulfilling life. I'm a natural health practitioner and I have my online biz..which I've enjoyed, but I supplemented it with a real job. My job was just that... a job. It filled a need, I did it well but was not challenged and found the ongoing frustration with the turmoil there, was a downer all the way around. I would have busy periods during the day...but also VERY long stretches of nothing to do. And I mean nothing! This basically made me cranky and downright unhappy. And in my unhappiness I'd start bringing little snacks in so I'd have something to look forward to. Talk about making it worse. I would be able to rise above it in order to go there every day, but it was like bolstering up for battle everyday. Much self talk each morning or on my way to work to get me past the dreary and sometimes anxious feelings I had driving in. Not a 'bad' job - just so unfulfilling - I'd come to realize life seemed to be passing me by and I didn't know how to fix it!
Soooo now we add to that weight creeping on. Suddenly work clothes are no longer comfortable and I'm running around to various stores to find something in my old size sadly realizing they don't fit. I remember standing there in fitting room looking like one of those people I would see in public and I'd think "why don't they just get their proper size instead of looking like a stuffed toy?!" Now it was me! I know I left with nothing that day...as I did many times when I would shop - even going to consignment stores for 'gently used' clothing as it ticked me off to have to spend good money on new clothes because I was overweight! My highest weight is 180 - when I saw it I actually laughed! Are you kidding me?? 150 used to be my 'danger' zone number I'd use to say..."Katy time to cut back/move more etc" and I'd drop 5 lbs. Wow...what a freaking eye-opener.
Gee...crap thinking all around eh? And I know better than that. I know what I'm thinking and putting out there is coming right back at me like a boomerang! Kind of like the Universe is standing there poised with pen and paper taking my order by way of my overall 'vibration' and my vibe gives back "more of the same crap I don't want, please". A viscous cycle.
THANKFULLY - I piss and moan most of this to my best friend Heather and what a relief it is- for me, she is literally a light at the end of my uncomfortable 'tunnel'. :o) We are in similar boats...each with our own back story, but similar outcomes. Both fifty and NOT thrilled with ourselves or our bodies! I have "mom" arms for pete's sake! lol We also know hormones are playing a big role here - we both had varying symptoms but couldn't believe it would be this hard! I know she had her own difficulties and we'd each discuss at length what was happening. Regardless of us both turning 50 in 2012 ..we still feel younger and are fighting the fact that we were physically aging before we were ready! So the determination begins - and how much nicer it is to do it with someone else! We laugh, we cry, we get pissed and we feel some relief. And thankfully out of all that came hope - and here we are.
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