Over the last two weeks I have been completely over awed and over occupied by a legal suit that my husband is involved with. As with all of these sorts of things it involves people, some of whom used to call themselves friends, who sadly no longer do; it relates to money (of course), it relates to greed and fear - peculiarly human failings.
On Friday, I was struck again at the stupidity and crassness of some of these people, as yet another legal turn was made, shocking and irritating me anew. As I sat at my dressing table, I felt anger and worry well up inside of me and I began to cry.
I felt very sorry not just for myself, but for my husband, caught in the middle of all this mess, and so near to Christmas - it would ruin it for sure.
I felt so angry - as if the world had turned and we were somehow being picked on in a personal way - and I felt pretty wretched about this world and its workings. And I said so - out loud and with some vigour. Of course, my real lament was 'Why?'
Yesterday, I was looking over my facebook page and read a posting by a friend of mine. She said that on Friday, two young girls aged 16 were involved in a collision between a car and bus in a tiny and picturesque village near to Rutland Water - which is very near to where we both live and work. These two young girls, both went to school with my friend's son and he knew them. Both of these girls died at the scene.
A little while later, this same friend posted that, a young boy of 14, who had gone to primary school with her son, and had been battling cancer for the last 5 years had succumbed to the disease and he died yesterday afternoon - she was she said, completely undone by the events of the day.
I didn't know the young boy, nor the two young girls. None of my children had gone to school with them - I was just a stranger, reading about these events throughout the course of one day.
One day. 3 young little lives snuffed away. .
I can never conceive the depth of despair parents must go to, when a child dies.
Worse, however is realising that that pain is out there, throbbing and real - and here was I, only 24 hours previously, ranting at the world, why, why, why me?
I have a real fondness for Mozart his music transcends a world gone mad, however, I have a hard time reconciling Wolfgang's Requiem mass with my personal vision of God - which is far more in keeping with that embodied within the mass, celebrated by Gabriel Faure.
I pray that those children are in paradisium with a benevolent being, who can see fit to ignore a silly woman her hollow rants, in order to give all parents from around the world this week, who have lost a child, a little grace - and the strength to carry on.
Faure's In Paradisium
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