Sunday 28 December 2014

finding God...by Heather

I came from a family that had a surprising lack of Godliness in it.

I had a lot of family at one time, and we all seemed to live in close proximity to each other, however as time has marched on, that family has dissipated all over the place, all over the globe actually.

I used to think that was a good thing. Now I doubt that. In fact I doubt a lot of things I used to hold as an undeniable truth.

I had 2 stout and dependable Grandma's and a rather glamorous, if less dependable Mama. They were from another time, a place that we today would hardly recognise. I remember glimpses of it - working class, Nottingham people who lived on the cusp of respectability, who were neither pretty or refined. And they certainly didn't have any passing association with God or churchly ways.

In fact neither my sister nor I were baptised and I suspect neither were my parents, their parents nor their parents parents. If ever there was a family bereft of Godliness we were it. Too busy trying to get by, to live, to manage; to worry about feeding their soul.

At about 14 I took it upon myself to go to Church. In part I felt drawn to Jesus very definitely and I felt I needed him in my life, and in part too it was because I loved being inside churches - and I still do. The referent hush, the incense (this engendered a life long love of incense that lasts to this day) The church was Anglican High church and the priest, sang the Eucharist. I spent a good portion of every Sunday at St Stephens - I took my younger sister along with me - we attended Sunday School and stayed for the Eucharist service - I was baptised at 15 by my own choice and was confirmed the following year at Epiphany.

I remained a committed Christian throughout my young years, through University, where I had the privilege to have as my chaplain the present Archbishop of Wales, Barry Morgan - a wonderful man and an inspiration in the pulpit. He ruined me really, because after University, no one else matched up - I was working, had a young family and little time - and I became completely disenchanted with going to church, all the people all trying to appear Christian, but failing, for being forced in to a mould that didn't actually fit my life, didn't feel relevant and secularism and consumerism just beckoned easily. My husband didn't 'do' church, and nor did my children - it seemed anachronistic.

I felt the severance however, felt the disconnection and I was looking for something to fill that spiritual hole - Buddhism maybe? I could do it at home in my own time. No. It was alien to me even if it felt intellectually fulfilling.

And that was how Paganism found me - the grounding to the Earth, the connection to the wheel of the year turning, a year that was Northern and familiar. And what a pantheon of Gods, Goddesses and paraphernalia there was to research and explore.

There was something powerful and empowering about it - and I am deeply connected to it - however, I am conscious of it being too powerful - I don't doubt its relevance I just struggle with whether this is a portal for things that are best left untapped.

Because I am undoubtedly monotheistic, and I see in God a something that transcends the Earth - an all powerful being that is not personal or approachable - who doesn't concern himself with the minutiae. I became wary that I was inadvertently allowing the unholy a foothold, a wayward child playing with fire.

Was I consorting with demons? I am careful not to say the Devil. Satan is a Christian construct and I am no longer a Christian. And herein lies my confusion. How can I be a Pagan who is frightened of what God thinks she is dabbling with? A Christian God no less.

When I look at the damage done in the name of religion - I see that organised religion has a lot to answer for, a lot to be called to book to explain - and I don't see myself returning to the Anglican fold.

I do however see that I have an affinity with the concepts of the Baha'is

A single, personal, inaccessible, omnipresent, omnicient God who created all things.

I don't want to be a constant God chasing individual - but I am not finding spiritual sustenance, and have decided that in order to find peace with God - I should seek him - through prayer and meditation - to not give my search a label or a name - but simply to seek closer communion - to bring Godliness back in to my life - without artifice or glamour.

I'm not even certain I know how to pray anymore to be honest. Reciting prayers learned from Sunday School isn't enough - but am I allowed to just 'talk' to him. Some say, you shouldn't even be uttering his name - and God is likely neither a him or a her - but a sublime being. There seems to be a significant amount of arrogance underpinning any notion of just talking.

All my years skirting around religions has left me massively unequipped to handle what I am tasking myself.


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